Eavesdropping on Strangers’ Sunday Brunch Dates

Shanghai, Brunch.

 

Oh my god, seriously… he’s still talking about the issues with his Kindle?

What— he’s talking about Sam Raimi and has the awareness to mention that the guy is well known for “Spider Man” but doesn’t mention “Drag Me To Hell”?

Girl… just ditch this guy while you can. Where did you find this guy, OkCupid? Please don’t tell me you used Tinder, because if this is your shallow I am terrified of your deep. Girl, he is now explaining basic information to you and the whole sing-song about having an office in Hong Kong should have been the point at which you got up and left him to his blended juice, coffee and American breakfast.

It’s a Sunday. It’s too early in the week for this. It’s God’s day!

Oh how drole, he skips out on lettuce. He’s talking to you about lettuce. HE IS TALKING ABOUT LETTUCE.

Is he trying to show off his bad Chinese now as he tries to ask for honey but invariably fails after several trials (Dude: don’t get mad at the waiter for not understanding you, he’s not the one butchering his language)? His global awareness (“Oh you like the chai at Starbuck’s because it reminds you of Chirstmas…yeah, I can see what you mean… but you know what ‘chai’ is in Chinese? And you know how they feel about India”)?

HIS THING ABOUT CHAI!

Girl, you need to get out before he tries to make another point. Because after kindles, lettuce and his fucking thing with chai (which mind you, he never really elaborated on, so I think he’s just decided to make that shit up)— oh no! Here it comes, the big moment: he’s in a writing group.

IN. A. WRITING. GROUP.

Go, guy. Talk about the short stories you wrote while you were with you’re ex who you lived with at the time (“She was Shanghainese”) to which your poor date says “OH, COOL!” and then draw out that silence and look down and now your date is confused on as to how she managed to order three (yes, three!) toppings on her bagel.

Did you make her boring?

Back to ex. 15 minutes later. Still on the ex. The see-saw of your relationship. One person is ready when the other isn’t and this responsibility alternates for months and then weeks, and then  oh did she cheat on you?! You poor lettuce-avoiding little man.

Verdict: She was awful….well, she was cool (yeah buddy maybe don’t talk smack about women to your date) oh but it was awful… and then it was over and then FREEDOM.

But 15 minutes later and you’re still talking about your ex. And now your date is talking about your ex, and she never even met her!

“For how long?” she asks. Feed the details, because now you can connect over the mutual flaying of a stranger who doesn’t even exist anymore, now she’s the Phantom of an Ex, looming over and ruining who you once were, but it’s ok because you’ve learned to fight away your demons and are now a fully capable person and this is evidenced by your strength of character as you send back the cream cheese, and the new apartment and the new iphone you got yourself because you have brought your life back around.

But apparently… the Phantom Ex started seeing someone  just 6 months after…and you had been together for three years…and then she got married just 6 months after she started seeing someone. But it’s ok, because some people just feel pressure to get married, but not… are you used to being single, he asks his date.

And girl, who cares if you waited until you were 18 to start dating? It doesn’t sound like you really cared about it that much until Kindle/Lettuce/Not-over-his-Ex guy asked you about it.

Because you didn’t, and now you’re— oh.

You’re gone now.