thinking in different time zones

the best thing i can remember about jet lag is that the idea of any sort of stimulating movement is probably far more stimulating than movement itself. it’s like when you’ve had way to much to drink and smoked too much on a calm evening and all of sudden you realize not only is it pitch black, it’s also your face versus the wall. fast. with blood


spouting from here


where the stars and birds were, i have no fucking clue, but getting to talking about  travel with blood running down your face is probably the best way to look like you know what you’re trying to say while explaining just how claustrophobic and muggy heathrow or houston can be. sadly i didn’t manage to do that. because i was too distracted with blood from my head


and from here


but, if i had the opportunity to do so i would have said the following:

1. avoid sitting next to talkative damsels in distress. ladies, no one wants to hear you talk that much about your failed relationship unless they’re going to use your misery as a springboard to get some sad and angry rebound in-flight sex.

2. don’t bother trying to calculate how many beers you’re going to need when you get home to drone out the voice of that bitchy flight attendant that’s still ringing in your ears after you’ve finally come back to your proper time zone. by the time you get one to your lips you’ll probably also make sure to get someone’s tongue in there too, just because you were too responsible in europe. (in my own defense: i know what they brought to the new world damnit.)

3. don’t bother watching a movie you really wanted to see on the plane as every other passenger sitting in front and to the sides of you probably had the same idea 10-30 minutes earlier. plot ruined.

4. if you walk past the airport golf carts like your feet are fucking possessed by speed demons, don’t be shy if someone yells “damn! that girl can walk!”

5. don’t follow the nigerian guy around the airport. you will scare him and he is as lost as you are even though he is the only guy in the whole fucking airport that looks like he knows what he’s doing in the most pleasant manner.


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